IT

PROMOTION: A website comes to the aid of a beleaguered prep school head

Neil Canetty-Clarke promotes the schoolstrader website

Lucy Lyste, the new head of St Saints Prep in Sussex, sat back in her squeaky chair, sipped from her chipped mug of tea and peered out of the grimy bay window. It was not a happy sight. Lawns covered in mole hills. Football goals at quixotic angles and Mr Meadows, the elderly head gardener, arms folded, was contemplating his Dennis lawnmower through a cloud of black smoke.

She remembered last night’s governors’ meeting with a shiver. St Saints was on its last gasp. No money in the kitty. Numbers down from 200 to 162. Previous head “retired” in a hurry two weeks into the Autumn term. Lucy, appointed at short notice to “shake things up a bit” according to Colonel Blarste, the chair of governors. His deputy, Lady Billows, who never seemed to like anyone, relayed the news to Lucy of her appointment with a snooty smirk.

Lucy had rather enjoyed the last four years at the school, teaching English. It had been her first job since coming down from Cambridge. But good things never last forever. She was now in charge of teachers, pupils and budgets. She would, she thought, have to leave Shakespeare behind for a bit and enter the world of spreadsheets.
The study door burst open and David Dyve, the swimming coach, fell into the room with a bashful grin. “I know things are a bit tight,” he said. “I just wanted to wish you luck and to say that we could always rent out the pool in the evenings to raise a bit of cash.”

Lucy pulled a note pad out of her bag and started one of her lists. Her Dad had told her once that “Lystes loved lists”, and that whatever the problem, a list would sort it out.
She made two columns: IN and OUT.

She wrote “Rent out pool” under IN. Then the phone rang. It was Colonel Blarste. “Good morning Lucy,” he shouted. “Just wanted to say that your number one priority is to keep the ship on the road, the tank on its tracks, the plane on the runway, so to speak. Oh and by the way, I am away now with Cynthia until Christmas Eve. Turkey. On a dig. Good luck.” The line went dead and Lucy smiled at the thought of the Blarstes, both of whom were larger than life in all respects, sifting patiently through piles of dust with a small trowel.

“No money,” Cyril the bursar whispered sadly, as he tiptoed into her room and gently placed a spreadsheet of numbers on her desk. “There are no funds left – had the fees in, mostly, but what with salaries and the repairs, we can’t afford a thing. May have to sack the cook.”  He paused and stared at the floor. “We do have the library paintings, of course”.

The library paintings turned out to be a rather delightful set of 18th Century French oils that Miss de Palette, the art teacher, thought could be quite valuable. Another for the IN column, Lucy thought, while filling the OUT column with Miss de Palette’s essential requirements for paint, canvas and wood for the scenery for the end of term play – The Tin Man.

The bell went for break. Over tea in the common room, Lucy clocked up another six items for the OUT column. Everyone had heard that money was tight and most of them wanted to get their bids in quick.

Fiona Flowers needed to advertise for a Biology lab assistant – the previous incumbent had caught a rare disease after dissecting frogs and was out of action for four months. The matron needed a new washing machine, as the old one had just caught fire. The head of Music was in need of three violins for pupils. The History department was organising a Battlefield Event in the garden and needed to hire a marquee. Mr Mappe needed to publicise his Geography scholarship dates in the local paper and the registrar wanted a colourful banner outside the school gates announcing the Autumn Open Day. “We need to raise our profile,” she pleaded.

After these direct hits on Lucy’s OUT column, she was cheered up by a couple of ideas for her IN column. The Languages head came over and told her that a friend at a school in Devon had run a language evening course for parents and made £1,000. And the very tall Sports master bounced up to Lucy and said that he was keen to run a Sports Summer School in the holidays. “£300 a week, 50 children, fifteen grand,” he winked as he dashed off to the sound of the bell for the next lesson.

Back at her desk, Lucy was not quite sure where to start. No cash. Lots of needy teachers; not a happy mix.
Her phone rang. “Someone from a website on the line,” the school secretary said. “I read about the site in the papers. It’s a sort of internet marketplace for school communities. May be worth a chat?” Lucy thought of her Dad and her growing list and said a silent prayer.

“Hello,” the caller said, “I saw that you’ve taken over as head. Thought we may be able to help. Have you heard about our site? Schools can use it free of charge to advertise anything. Open days, jobs, kit and so on. Parents buy and sell pets, bikes, violins, rent holiday homes. That sort of thing.”

“Free advertising?” Lucy said. “To the independent school community?”

“Yes,” said the man.

“So can I advertise some antique paintings, free of charge?” Lucy said.

“Sure,” came the reply.

“But do you charge a sales commission?”

“No – it’s free. We make our money from selling banner ads on the site to companies.”

“Could we promote our new Sports Summer School?”

“Of course.”

“And some evening swimming and language classes for parents in the area?”

“Worth a go.”

“You said you have musical instruments?”

“Loads.”

“What about placing an ad for a Biology assistant and an announcement about our next Open Day?”

“Lots do,” came the reply. “We carry Job ads and we have a Notice Board where schools can promote things like concerts and open days. One school even uses it to hire out their marquee. And we are always worth a look for school equipment like washing machines or cricket nets. One school, near you, placed an ad last week for some scenery and props from their last play. They were offering it free. Keen to make space in the theatre. Tin Man I think it was.”

“What was the web address again?” said Lucy as she grabbed her list and turned on her computer.

Neil Canetty-Clarke is a director of www.schoolstrader.com.

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